Pinata

been listening to a lot of digital ash in a digital urn, weird how i can relate to this album now more than ever. 

Another little poem I wrote for this asshole. hey atleast he got my creative juices flowing. 

girl how did you get so yum 

since when are you so much fun 

All the boys whisper stuff in my ears

things you’d never let me hear 

But now I’m a fucking star 

its because you are no longer around 

if we were plants you’d steal my sun 

you’d be a cunt and steal my sun 

if we were plants I’d lose all my sunshine 

then I’d rot my insides

Won’t let it happen 

I’ll shine so bright that I’ll turn you blind 

I once knew a boy and we were young and impressionable and I swear to fucking God we thought we were Bonnie and Clyde. I don’t talk to him much anymore haven’t seen him in years now, and when we talk its superficial and we both know it. He told me a while back that I used to say no matter we’d be friends forever but we aren’t. I didn’t say anything back. I’ve been with a wonderful guy now for over a year, me and him went to see Bright Eyes together with my little sis, first off he hates brighteyes and he HATES crowds. But he stood there in the middle of it all just to be there with me. I spoke to my old friend that day and told him I was going to see the bright eyes show and if you know me you know that it was a huge deal. He asked for my number to call but never did. My boyfriend was hurt we spoke ,  but what he said after made me realize why I love him so much more ” If I was him I would have called because it means so much to you” . It was a hard lesson to learn but its something I had to. heres something I wrote a year ago on a very angry night. 

the call

its weird after so many years of just ignorning me and not calling this is the last time i’ll ever let it get to me

i can safely say that right now is the point i’ve completely gotten over you. because you didnt call me before you went to college 

never told me what was going on in your mind before starting this new chapter in life, i now know why i was so angry with you

and i let it go, and i stop being angry at myself. i always thought i was in the wrong with you, it made all the sense in 

the world that i should be angry with you but i couldnt quite shake the feeling that your behaviour was perfectly 

acceptable and i should let it go, i just loved you so fucking much.there are so many guys out there better than you. 

who can love me more if they were given a chance. i always felt so special that you kept coming back, but you only kept

coming back cuz you knew id keep taking you back. i should have shut that door along time ago. nothing in the world justifies

me sticking around you for so long, you in a way took everything from me, and i’ve been running for so long i ran away

from school, my friends a chance to really have something just to get away from you. if i could see you now theres so much 

id like to say but would it even make a difference ? did it ever even matter i dont ever want to belong to you again, i dont want

you near me telling me what to do. why was i so scared of you for the longest time, i wonder if thats why i didnt go to 

zain ever.because it really wasnt hard at all to start being with michal although i didnt even like him. you have no right

to tell me to stop talking to anyone, to get mad at me because i did. to call me a whore, i have seen the worst of you, and i did not

need to see that. i shouldnt ever forgive you for that. ever. that is not how love works. and i never want that again, did you know

i used to cry at the thought that id be stuck with you forever. you put me through hell because of that party i cant even 

describe it to people because i dont know what to tell them, or tell them why i put up with it. i listented to you more 

than i listened to my parents. i should have just gone to class , it made 

me feel the worst. you made me feel the worst, i avoided coming to school , i hated you. you never forgave me for going out

and being a teenaged girl. you were fucking around behind my back all the time all i did was go out, but you made me pay for it

i dont think i could ever live through that again, the thought of being in that position scares me. i never want to be that girl sitting on the bedroom 

floor with that phone in my hand and you on my bed. i was so scared. you were so angry, you had no right to. i shouldnt 

have let you, i should have walked out. but i listened and cried and felt like the smallest i’ve ever been and the worst part 

is i couldnt let it go for the longest time or even think about it, i ran so fast i never stopped running, im stopping now

calling this the finish line. im tired of holding on to you. i cant anymore im cutting you off. everyone always tells me that

you guys were supposed to be together forever , and i guess a part of me thought you were someone special. but now i realize 

that ya you were around for a long time and what we felt was real, but its in the past im not obliged to keep you in my life

i keep believing i should forgive you not be mad , its the only way you’ll stay here forever, but i cant. im moving on and finding 

happiness. best way i know how. its my life you know , i need to figure it out, you took too much from me too many years 

too much time. i need to figure out school , my job, my friends this new guy im seeing he could be someone special. i dont

know but if i sit around and dwell in the past im never going to know. i always made you first priority but you went off

made your decisions got on your plane without even thinking of a girl some 10,000 miles away who was expecting a call or 

atleast a text saying hey im changing my life forever. im never coming back to you ever.

Sorry for all the sudden bombardments of posts, I keep a little file on my computer. Where I kind of just write everything I’m thinking tonight I kinda just decided to post it up on here. 

the thing about bright eyes is, that even after all this time im still caught off guard. and the music awes me, and in the 

worst most anxious of times. the kind of times when everything is scary and im frightened completely puzzled and unknowing

of what the future holds, so worried that i hide in a bathroom, trying to stay in my universe a bright eyes tune comes on 

and im saved, im hopeful because its so beautiful and it exists. and im filled with a feeling, i dont know if its love 

or hope, maybe both.my entire being is at peace, just content. for once focusing on whats happening not floating through it all. it feels like in a world

so full of shit, and things that never mattered to me. this has been the one thing i never doubted, the one thing 

that truly means the most. the most honest part of me is my love for bright eyes.

While I alays complain that all guys I”ve encountered are assholes. i feel like im being unfair. before this year, all my

closest friends had all always been guys. for every asshole that I met there were 3 that stood by with honest advice, and

genuine good intentions. I realize this as after a month of silence a friend who I pretty much treated like shit got back in touch, and I feel like the

biggest bitch in the world. So I’m sorry A**xS and Z**nS, H***nK, A***lH, W**i, U***n, B****l and M*****l

 All of you guys will always be the best of friends to me, and I’m sorry z**n and a**x for all those 

times when I just ignored your very obvious message, the thing is I’m really not the girl for both of you, I ignore you and disappear into my own world for days 

and you give me ultimatums, to treat you  better and I dont and you still keep coming back giving me another chance to 

be a better friend. but i dont do it. but i appreciate your friendship and the fact that you are nice guys always there

to listen.and know that I love you, and always want to be around as a friend. and I know you saw the good side of me always even when I didn’t really see why you were still around 

and i’ll always want to be there for you and maybe someday I can be the one that comes through for you.

Going through stuff I wrote 2 years back, makes me realize that I have made a little progress. 

sometimes i feel really small and insignificant in this world. like I’m a tiny person in the world of giants, or an asteroid

circling planets in space, i just whizz by them while they stand bound by gravity.I actually feel really lost 

im trying to stand my ground, putting my foot down , that sort of thing but i dont know if its working. im wondering if 

it ever worked, i try so hard to crawl out and participate i just dont know if it ever works. or do i float over everyone 

without even knowing it i never want to go back to that place again.i dont know what id do if i start feeling like that again

i dont know if i’ll ever feel whole again, and i think thats what bothers me the most.i cant go back to being that whole person again

no matter how i hard try.i really feel like shit sometimes and wonder if its about time for a spaceship

to land in my backyard, blow me away and blind me with its area sweeping rays. id be astounded and curious and feel deliverance. get on that ship and fly far away

leave earth behind in the rear view mirror. I’d forget all about it and just look at the stars and all the adventures. but does fear follow you everywhere? 

on long journeys shuttling between the planets would I be looking out and thinking the exact same thoughts? how can one person feel so confined and torn apart at the 

same time, does everyone feel this fucked up and bad?why cant we tell each other. if I could tell someone or if someone could tell me would that fix us?

I wonder if thats the reason we are all alive is to find the peace we were born with, some kind of fucked up cycle or test, really Gods prank on us.I really

wish I had solid beliefs of some kind, its so hard to grasping at straws trying to make sense of the universe. if I could just believe in something then I’d have

some kind of plan to follow. I used to really believe in God as a kid, but the older i got the less sense it started to make. the only thing that i find peace in 

 now is music, all kinds of music.

More High Thoughts By Alizeh

How to pick up a girl if you are akon

(Source: hellogiggles)